Well, here goes nothing. Writing on this blog means really facing the inevitable. Facing the fact that I am 24 years old and my mom just died. Ugh. I hate even reading that sentence. It just doesn't seem like a reality. You may call be pessimistic, but it really sucks and there is nothing any single person can do to make the pain go away.
That being said...here I am 3 weeks later trying to "make the best of what's around" (as my good friend Dave Matthews would say). Trying to live every single minute of my day as my mom would want me to. Trying to stay busy so that I don't have to face reality. Trying to call a wide array of people on my way home from school only to avoid facing the fact that I can't talk to the one person I always talked to on my way home from school. Trying to continue to fundraise money to fight that nasty son of a bitch called breast cancer. Trying to put a happy face on during the day (luckily I teach preschoolers and most of the time they help me with that one).
Trying, trying, trying.
Each and every single one of us is trying to move forward. No, we can't move on. We will never move on. But The Queen would want us to move forward with our lives. And that is what we will all try our best to do. But only because that is what The Queen would want.
I feel like in the past month and a half I have aged 30 years. I wish I didn't have to say that, but it's true. After having some long chats with friends who have also lost their precious moms, I realized they had the same "aged" aura about them as well. It's an unfortunate aura that I wish I didn't have to share with them and I wish I could take it away from all of us. But I can't. And now we are all stronger, wiser and learning more than we ever wanted to learn this early in life. It's as if the minuscule things don't matter anymore. Aside from the fact that now I don't fret if I haven't made my lunch or picked out my clothes the night before school (sounds minor...but if you know me, this is a big deal)....there are bigger things.
Nothing else matters except that I live each day as my mom would want me to.
Nothing. Else. Matters.
Lucky for me....my mom was a kick ass kinda woman. That being said, I am trying to live my life in a kick ass kind of way. Do everything to the best of your ability, treat others as you would want to be treated and laugh your way through each day (even through all of the seemingly miserable situations).
For example...if you have no hair due to chemo and someone sends you a silly hat with pretend hair...LAUGH. If you can't at least make yourself laugh....then you are in trouble.
My mom clearly had no problem helping all of us keep a lighthearted attitude:
If my dad, Nancy and I can live by all the motto's of my mom, I think we'll be ok. Actually, I know we'll be ok because my mom had confidence in us and she prepared us to be able to handle this new sense of normal (that isn't so normal at all).
All Hail The Queen ;)
Love,
Abby
